Summary: The Scoobies have a small accident that leads
to some major changes in their lives
Rating: NC17
Timing: Takes place S5, shortly after Family but before Fool for Love
Disclaimer All kinds of gender stereotypes were harmed
in the writing of this story. Any injured copyrights were unintentional
Notes Mydeira is my Beta Nazi, but she knows I'm her bitch.
This story was inspired by a very old Star Trek fanfic titled The Procrustean Petard,
by Sondra Marshak and Myrna Culbreath. Of course, they didn't actually have sex in theirs . . .
The title is a quote from Storm Front, by Jim Butcher.
You haven't lived until you've heard James say those three words
together in that soft, caramel rich voice of his . . . guh.
Chapter 11 Girl Talk
Willow came back from the bathroom, teeth brushed and changed into her red plaid pajamas. Normally that would make Tara smile. Willow always looked so cheery and cozy in those pajamas. They made her look like home.
Tonight all Tara could think about was how to stay out of their bed.
Willow looked surprised to see her still in her street clothes. “Aren’t you coming to bed? I thought you’d be tired.”
“Nnnno,” Tara said nervously, cursing her stutter. “Sssince we’ve got all this tttime off, I thought I’d start working on my cultural aaaanthro paper.” She didn’t look at Willow as she turned on the computer.
“Tara,” Willow said in concern, laying a hand on her shoulder.
Tara couldn’t help flinching.
“Okay, that’s it.” Willow spun her around and pushed her back to sit on the bed, bringing their eyes more even. “I’ve given you a twenty-four hour grace period, but time’s up. What’s going on?”
“Nothing,” Tara replied sullenly, trying to push her away. “I’m just not tired.”
“Well, considering you slept on the floor last night, I know you aren’t well rested.” She sat down on the bed. “Baby, talk to me. I know you’re probably really confused. I want to help . . .”
“Help?” Tara rose up and turned on her girlfriend. “What can you possibly do that would help? Nothing. You can’t do anything. Everything that makes me me is gone Willow. I don’t know who or what I am.” She let the fear and anger wash over her. “This isn’t some game, Will, some great adventure we’re all on. And I’m not one of your science experiments you can observe and evaluate.”
“Is that what you think I’m doing?”
“Isn’t it? Isn’t that what all the questions were about? The way you’re always watching me? Does the freak make for an interesting case study?”
“Stop it!” Willow surged up into Tara’s face. “I’ve been watching you because I was worried about you. You’ve been a basket case since this whole thing happened. Now, I know I wasn’t the most sympathetic girlfriend last night, and I’m sorry. I just didn’t realize how freaked out you were until I woke up to find you on the floor.” Her voice softened, and she sat down on the bed, trying to draw Tara down with her. “I’m sorry, baby. But really, I just want to help you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”
“You couldn’t understand.”
“Of course I can’t. Nothing like this has ever happened to me. That doesn’t mean I can’t listen to you talk about it, try to help you work things out for yourself. We’ve never kept anything from each other before.”
Tara felt a small blossom of hope flower in her heart, and she sank down on the mattress next to Willow. “It’s just all so confusing. I mean, I’m a man now . . .’
“No, you aren’t,” Willow denied.
“What? Look at me! Of course I am!”
“Sweetie, didn’t you pay any attention in Dr. Mills’ Gender and Society class last year? I know you did, you got a better grade in it than I did.”
“I don’t . . .”
“Gender is a product of biology, cultural pressures and self-identity. Your body isn’t what makes you a man or a woman, it just makes you male or female. You still think of yourself as a woman, don’t you?”
“Well, yes . . .”
“And your friends all still think of you as a woman?”
“I guess. . .”
“Well, there’s two of the three right there! And the third doesn’t count, because it’s temporary.” She emphasized the last. “All the things that I love about you are still the same. You’re still my sweet Tara.”
“But I can’t . . . I’m not . . . the physical part of our relationship . . .”
Willow sighed softly. “I guess we probably should have talked about this before. But I wasn’t sure how you’d react and it just didn’t seem to matter since we were together and I didn’t want anyone else . . .”
Tara grew concerned as Willow got more and more agitated. Finally, she reached out and covered Willow’s hands with her own.
She looked up, her eyes pleading for understanding. “I’m sexually attracted to both men and women,” she said finally. “I didn’t just swear off boys when I fell in love with you. I mean, my sex life with Oz was good. Great, in fact. But my feelings for you are just as strong, and you were so pretty and soft and I just wanted to touch you so much . . .” She looked down again, embarrassed. “So it doesn’t matter to me what body you’re in. I love the person inside the skin. Everything else is just packaging.”
Tara reached up and stroked her lover’s cheek with her thumb. “I wouldn’t even know how to make love to you like this.”
“You still have fingers, don’t you? And a mouth? That’s all we’ve ever needed before. Granted, I’ll miss your wonderful boobies, but a penis has its good points, too . . .” She realized what she was implying and backpedaled in horror. “Not that we’re going to do anything! Totally no naughty touching is perfectly fine with me! Unless you want to . . .” Sheepishly she caught herself. “Okay, so I’m a little nervous. This is your experience, and I want to support you any way I can. So if you want to explore your masculinity, I’m here for you. And if you don’t, that’s okay, too. Okay?”
Tara smile softly for the first time in what felt like days. “Okay. I don’t think . . . but thank you.” She took Willow’s hand then, grateful for the physical contact. “Honey, why didn’t you tell me about this before now?”
“I was scared,” she admitted. “I didn’t want you to think I couldn’t make up my mind. I can. I choose you.”
Tara’s eyes welled up with tears, and she responded naturally in the only way a declaration like that could be acknowledged.
It was a brief, gentle kiss, but Tara could feel how much softer Willow’s mouth was against her own firmer lips. When they pulled apart, Willow giggled.
“What?” Tara asked defensively. “Am I a bad boy kisser?”
“No!” She giggled again, reaching up to stroke Tara’s jaw line. “No, it was nice. But you really need to shave.”
“Oh.” Tara rubbed her face. “I meant to do that this morning, but I had a meltdown in the bathroom and forgot. Should I do it tonight, do you think?”
Willow thought about it for a minute. “It sort of depends. How much body hair do you have?”
“Um.” She thought back to her first self-inspection. “Kind of a lot.”
Willow grimaced. “You may have to resign yourself to being a two shaves a day guy. Gal. Unless you grow a beard.”
That actually made her grin. “Wouldn’t it be funny if I could grow a better beard than Ronny?” The reminder of her brother sobered her. “But I think I’d rather be clean shaven.”
“Well, since you don’t have a heavy date or any chance of serious smoochies, I have it on expert authority that you can slack off on the facial hygiene for the night and start fresh in the morning.”
“Oh? And who’s this authority?”
“Xander. It’s the excuse he always used when he was scruffy.”
Tara smiled. “Then it must be true.”
Willow grinned back. “So, you’re smiling again. That’s good, right? You’re feeling better?”
“A little bit,” she conceded. “I still don’t feel like me. My body and my magic are both gone, so what’s left?”
Willow looked confused. “Your magic? I don’t understand.”
“I can’t control it anymore.” The desperate sense of loss threatened to overwhelm her again. “Just doing a basic grounding and centering made it all go haywire.”
“But you can still touch the energy?”
Tara nodded.
Willow thought about that. “Okay, well, maybe the new body isn’t programmed to handle magic the way your old one was. Or maybe it just can’t, and you have to figure out the new ways it can work. Kind of like a circuit board before the pathways are laid out. The energy just kind of goes everywhere.”
Tara nodded. “And it wanted out. It wanted to make something, anything happen.”
“Well, that’s the penis imperative for you.”
“The what?”
“The penis imperative. If it moves, kill it or fuck it. If it doesn’t move, break it. It’s all about action. Guys have to do, to act. The natural flows in your male body may be directed to action. You just have to relearn how to control it.”
“My mom taught me magic from the time I was four. I wouldn’t even know where to start.”
“Well, lucky for you, I’m a witchy come lately. Come on,” she scooted back into the middle of the bed to sit cross legged in the middle, holding her hands out in invitation.
“Right now?”
“No time like the present,” she encouraged. “Nothing complicated, just a simple chakra clearing. It’ll make you feel better.”
With a resigned sigh, Tara toed off her sneakers and climbed up onto the bed, arranging her awkward body into a reasonable facsimile of Willow’s posture before taking her hands.
“Okay now,” Willow began, her voice dropping in pitch and volume as she took up a soothing cadence. “Take a deep, slow breath. Let it fill your lungs, stretch them out. And when you can’t hold any more, blow it out, blowing away all the stress and negativity of the day.” With the exhalation, Tara felt her shoulders sag in relief. “And then slowly breathe in to a count of four . . . and hold it for one two three four . . . breathe out two three four . . . hold two three four . . . in two three four . . .”
As they settled into a steady, measured breathing, Tara felt her head grow lighter, her mind detached from her body in the familiar sensation of trance. It was a comforting sensation.
“Now, focus on your root chakra,” Willow continued. “See it as a dark red circle of light at the very base of your spine.” Tara felt the sphere of it, deep at the base of her pelvis, sensed it dim and tightly closed. “Now fill it with light, watch it slowly open, brighten, begin glowing.” The nearly black circle turned blood red under Tara’s visualization, then crimson and vermillion until it became a bright, pulsing, true red. And as it opened, she felt a sense of safety, security, the hallmarks of this chakra, flooded through her. She savored it, encouraging the circle to glow brighter and brighter.
“And now move up to your belly chakra,” Willow’s words carried them on. “See it as a perfect orange circle just below your belly button.’ Tara visualized it, seeing it dull, dusky orange. “And fill it with light, see it open, swell and pulse with pure light.” As before the sphere shifted colors, ending as a glowing, ripe pumpkin color. And to her surprise, as the chakra opened, she felt her cock twitch and swell in response, the sexual energy of the second chakra filling her. It seemed to pulse in time to the pulsing energy of the wheel of light within her.
“Now picture your solar plexus chakra, a brilliant yellow circle between your navel and your ribs.” This one wasn’t as dark, not as closed. “And fill it with brilliant light, allowing it to open.” As it swelled, it became almost a yellow gold, and Tara felt again, but softer this time, the call to action, to do, that was the purview of the third chakra.
“And when you’re ready, move on to the heart chakra. See it as a sphere of perfect green light glowing just over your heart.” This sphere, as she studied it, shifted on its own, opening and closing, dark and light, all on its own. Her fears of rejection and pain closing it, her love and caring opening it again. “Slowly fill it, opening it with brilliant emerald green light.” She did, and the oscillation stopped, stabilized as the circle opened fully, supported that way by her visualization and all the light feeding into it. She wanted to weep for all the love, the compassion and caring that overwhelmed her.
“And move up to the throat chakra, a dark blue circle of energy over your vocal chords.” This was always the smallest, tightest of her chakras, but perhaps because of finally having opened up to Willow tonight, it was a little bluer than she’d seen it. “Fill it with pure blue light and watch it open.” As it expanded and brightened, she felt like talking, like singing, like shouting.
“And now move to your third eye chakra, that perfect indigo circle in the middle of your forehead. Fill it with brilliant indigo light, opening you mind and your intuition.” Her thoughts, such a jumble before, cleared as the denim blue circle expanded and she was able for the first time to think clearly, to see all the aspects and elements of the problem in an orderly, methodical fashion.
“And finally your crown chakra, a perfect circle of purple light just above the top of your head. Open it, filling it with perfect violet light.” This was always Tara’s strongest center, and as she fed the light into it, it irised open easily, filling her with a sense of wholeness, of completion, of communion with the divine that she had most been missing these last few days.
“And when you have them all open, gently set them spinning.” One by one, each circle began to move, alternating clockwise and counter-clockwise from one to the other until they all spun together like gears without cogs, a perfectly meshed unit.
“And knowing that you are safe in this magical space, and that I am here to help you, connect with the earth beneath you, and allow her energy to flow into you.”
Tara felt a twinge of trepidation, but gripped Willow’s hands more firmly and reached down to tap into the energy of the Mother, letting it rise up into her.
It flowed eagerly into the pattern they had set for it, like water through a channel cut in the sand, flowing over to soak into the edges but keeping the same basic shape. She felt Willow reach out with her aura to check Tara’s balance. She nudged back gently to show she had everything under control. She could feel Willow’s pleased smile as she began speaking again. “Let the energy rise up through the chakras, clearing away any debris, brightening any dark spots, evening out any rough patches, until each circle is spinning as smoothly, shining as brightly as you can possibly make them.” And there they were, a perfect column of swirling rainbow lights, energy flowing from one to the next easily, naturally, just exactly the way she knew it was supposed to be.
She almost giggled from the sheer joy of it.
Willow gave her a moment to enjoy before continuing. “Starting at your crown, let the energy flow out, let the wheel slow to a stop, closing gently as the light fades, leaving a clear, perfect violet circle. And follow the energy down to the third eye. Let the energy drain out as the wheel slowly stops spinning, closing gently as the light fades, leaving a clear, perfect indigo circle. And the energy empties from your throat chakra, slowing the wheel to a stop as it gently closes with the fading of its light, leaving a clear, perfect blue circle. And now let the energy drain out of your heart chakra, let the wheel slow to a stop, closing gently as the light fades, leaving a clear, perfect green circle. And now the energy fades from your solar plexus, allowing the wheel to stop spinning and gently close, leaving a clear, perfect yellow circle. See the energy flow out of your belly chakra, let the wheel slowly stop spinning, closing as the light fades out of it, leaving a clear, perfect circle of orange. And finally let it drain out of your root chakra and back into the earth, allowing this last wheel to spin to a stop, closing gently with the fading of its light, leaving a clear, perfect red circle. Just let yourself rest for a moment, feeling your body perfectly quiet, perfectly aligned. And as you come back to yourself, you will remember how this feels and be able to find your way back to this balanced state with easy. When you are ready, open your eyes and come back.”
Tara slowly fluttered her eyes open, surprised at how bright the room was. She’d forgotten they hadn’t turned off the lights. Willow’s face was glowing when Tara finally looked at her. “Well? How was it?”
“It was . . . good.” She relished the blissful peace that suffused her body and spirit. “I think . . . I think I feel a little bit like myself again.”
Willow let out a whoop and threw her arms around Tara’s neck. For an instant, Tara didn’t know how to respond, but she gave in to her natural instinct and closed her arms around her lover, holding her close, inhaling the fresh smell of her shampoo, the neroli oil she used for perfume and her own natural scent, all as familiar to Tara as her own. She felt like she’d been away for a lifetime, and not just over a day.
Willow was the first one to pull away. “Are you hungry? You haven’t eaten all day.”
“Yeah, I am, a little.”
Willow bounced up off the bed. “Why don’t I run downstairs and see if I can get a decent sandwich out of the machine for you while you get ready for bed. I put your new pajamas away in your nightie drawer.”
“I didn’t get any pajamas.”
“Yeah, I know,” Willow paused in the door to smile at her. “I picked them out for you. I hope they fit.” And with a shy smile, she closed the door behind her.
Tara stood up and crossed over to the mirror, looking at herself again with a less critical eye. She could do this, she thought with more confidence than she had felt before. She had Willow. And the others would help, too. And her magic wasn’t gone, just . . . different. Maybe Mr. Giles could help her with that.
She pulled the top drawer of her dresser open and laughed in surprise.
Her new pajamas were red plaid.
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